There IS a heaven on Earth...

And I've found it.

In the balance...

Atlantic City was more awesome than not. Yeah, the working conditions are utter crap, stupidly long drive, utterly appalling food, the accommodations just a few degrees shy of being a biohazard, and the wages are a scandal.

But on the other hand, I had more fun with the other female vocalists than I ever could have anticipated. I feared we'd end up being a really cheesy version of the Pussycat Dolls or something, but we were more like En Vogue. Onstage, we killed that place, and I'm prouder of what we did than I've ever been since I started with that band. And we had a blast offstage too (when we weren't coughing up lungs because of the hotel-I said I wasn't going to complain about that.) I think I keep taking these gigs because I enjoy being with the other musicians so much.
Everybody loved us (with the exception of snotty girls who felt threatened by the fact that we all weighed under 200 pounds. What!? It's true. Women are catty, it's the reason why I don't generally enjoy working with other women.)

I listened to lots of Richard Cheese and François Pérusse, which was pure jokes. Although I didn't eat particularly well, I did manage to get to the gym everyday, so I actually managed to lose some weight. We even got to party with DJ Jazzy Jeff on New Year's in the big indoor pool after we finished our gig.

Yeah, when I weight it all in the balance, it was being with my colleagues that made up for being far away from my family and friends (who I missed terribly, particularly on Christmas and New Year's.) And I think that this coming year, I want to make a point of physically being with the people I love much more than I did last year.

Good things come in threes?

Well, over the past couple of weeks, I've certainly put that statement to the test, as far as movies are concerned anyway. I know I'm not the only one who noticed that this year there were a scary amount of movies releasing the third installment of a series. I saw as many of them as I could remember came out this year:


Spiderman 3-We've already had that discussion.

Shrek 3-Trite, but pretty animation.

Ocean's Thirteen-I always enjoy the wardrobe.

Bourne Ultimatum-Awesome! I'm going to buy this movie!

Pirates of the Caribbean 3-Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush are the only ones worth watching.

So yeah, it's kind of a pointless post today, but I don't have a lot of mental resources available to be witty, or entertaining or particularly meaningful, because I'm am so tired, it doesn't even hurt anymore.
Happily, I keep a supply of love vibes under reserve under all circumstances. Even though I feel like I have nothing else worthwhile to give today, I hope that knowing that I've been thinking of you and loving you today will be a good thing.

Whuddup shawty!

I just felt like givin' my girls a holla today. (Fellas, you know I dig you an' all, I'm just saying it's one of those days that I'm feeling the sisterhood. Anyway.)

I went to the opening night of Urban Tales at the Centaur, and of course I seem to be unable to drag my butt out of that place before midnight. But it was fun, my little sister came out with her boyfriend (they're such a sickeningly gorgeous couple that you would hate them if they weren't genuinely cool people) and one of my oldest friends (there isn't an english phrase equivalent to 'de longue date' is there, because she's not old, she's my age, but anyway) who I reconnected with this summer. We used to torment her little brother when we were seven. Poor Hayden. Good times. But I digress. I won't review the play here. I'm still deciding how I feel about it. But basically, it meant that I got less than four hours of sleep again. Right now, I'm hopped up on caffeine and hoping it'll carry me through for an hour or two...or ten.

Today, I'm going straight from the gym to rehersal, and then I have a blessed hour and a half to either nap or to prepare for my first class at John Robert Powers (yeah, because obviously five jobs wasn't enough). So, maybe a power nap. And after that, I'm going to swing by the Playwright's Workshop Christmas party because I've got to represent my theatre company. My boss is in a show at the Segal, the general manager and marketing director are at a Canada Council thingy in Toronto. So who's left except me (and the box office manager, and admin assistant, and of course all of the YouthWorks people...) Whatever. That is my story and I'm sticking to it. BTW represent! So it doesn't look like there'll be a lot of sleep tonight either. But that's okay, because the weekend is coming, right?

Yeah. It will be a full one, but full of fun! There is a little bit of work involved, a gig in Trois Rivieres, and a sound check at flickin' one in the afternoon, which is, I think, absolutely appalling and uncivilized for an evening show. But even though I'll be stranded out in in the sticks all day, in some town behind God's back, I'll be with cool people, getting fed and watered for free. And the gig only lasts an hour and a half. Which is cool. Some of the band members want to perhaps hang out there and stay overnight, but I want to be back the next day to see Tyrone in Enemy of the People in the afternoon. The Segal Theatre also happens to be a ten minute walk from my house. I was hoping to get to see Housekeeping and Homewrecking again that day as well, but there's just no time. So either I'll spend the rest of the day on my

SOFA OF DOOM!

or I may chill with the cast at their closing party. I dunno. When it comes to me vs. the sofa, the sofa has an overwhelming record of knockouts. Is all I'm saying.

You know, I've completely forgotten what I was going to write to y'all about in the first place. I obviously need another coffee. Ah, livin' it up when the boss is away at a conference. When the cat's away, and all that rot. So. Yeah. More coffee.

I keep on keeping on...

Hey y'all. It's been awhile since I've written, which says a lot about the schedule I've been keeping. Anyway, it's not that I actually have much to talk about lately, but I can at least say that things are good.
I miss you, pals.

I must be livin' right...

This morning, I won a cheque for $150 from the gym because last month, we had this big sales push and I sold a lot of memberships so I had a lot of ticket entries.
And this afternoon, I received a $75 gift certificate because I made the most phone calls for this Open House we had last week.

And can I tell you? Not a moment too soon...I can finally pay some bills and can get some new clothes for gigging during the holiday season.

I'm on a roll, Baybees! I feel like I should enter the lottery, or phone up Viggo Mortensen and ask him out on a date or something. Somebody come and rub my head, there's more than enough good luck to go around!

PREEEOWWW!

Yesterday was an eventful day. In a good way.

For the first time in three years, I'm actually going to be performing in a play that isn't being produced by Black Theatre Workshop! A crazy carnival musical for the Wildside Festival at Centaur Theatre in January. It's called Cyclops.

I'll be playing a nurse on a psych ward/witch/waitress/whore.
So you know, breaking stereotypes. Yeah. 'Cause that's how we do.

But seriously, I'm very flattered to have been considered for the show, and I'm really excited about working with the cast, thus far they are all actors whose work I really respect. And they happen to be friends. I'm excited and a little bit terrified. No Black Theatre Workshop safety net. But hey, I get to sing, and that's one thing I know I can do well. I've been dying to do a musical ever since Afrika Solo.

More details to come, but in the meantime, give it up for ME!

Finally!

My apartment is tidy! I'm much less ashamed of it. Hurray for me.

Also, Spiderman 3 is a steaming pile of cinematic waste. At first I thought it was just about critics being snobby and having unrealistic expectations of a comic book movie.
But no, Tobey Maguire breaking into song and dance is NOT what I'm looking for from my friendly neighbourhood web-slinger. For a moment I thought I that someone had snuck into my apartment and slipped a roofie into my green tea. But no. The surreality and bizarreness of the scene could not be blamed on any kind of intoxication.

And furthermore, Eastern Promises was AMAZING! and I just wish that Viggo Mortensen would come to his senses and realize that I am the only woman for him. I just feel instinctively that Viggo loves me just the way I am.

How awesome is it...

...that Dumbledore is gay? Ever since J.K. Rowling outed him, I've been thinking about it. What a coup. What do you think?

Heroes...

...is the new crack cocaine. Watch it! (I mean, watch out...)

Also, in spite of the fact that I'm still fat(ter than ever) I've been working out more regularly and am getting stronger. Even though I'm squishier than I'd like, I've still got a discernible waist and enough muscle mass to keep things from getting completely out of hand. If I stop eating pizza things will no doubt improve some more.

And even though I've been working a lot, I've been getting caught up on my rest (granted, it was because I had a system shutdown due to fatigue) and so now I feel good!

And ever since there are three staff members for YouthWorks, I'm much more efficient with my time and things are getting accomplished, and done really well by all of us. It's a nice feeling to not be running around like a chicken with your head cut off and to only have mediocre work to show for it. I haven't felt truly competent at what I do for awhile now. I like it.

Still alive, Beautiful Ones...

...just stupid busy, although happily, my schedule has settled into a more predictable pattern. Now it's simply a question of getting accustomed to it, and then I'll start falling asleep at an appropriate time, which leads to energy to start doing all kinds of swell stuff, such as groceries and working out regularly...all those things that ultimately lead to a healthier, happier me. Already, I'm a lot more productive and focused (which is why you never hear from me); I can only hope that as the trend continues that I'll get to be social again. Who knows, I may even be able to spare time to meet boys again...

Okay, back to work.

Bye Beautiful Ones!

Sleep

would be brilliant.

That is all.

Could it be...

the light at the end of the tunnel?

Oh snap! No, that was just a migraine. I saw my dad in the hospital yesterday after his hip surgery. Morphine all of a sudden doesn't seem as awesome as I was convinced it would be. Poor Daddy. Mind you, he's still pretty darned hilarious. I'm not sure if the stress of seeing him in that kind of pain, sleep deprivation, work pressure and hormones did the rest. Probably. (There is a slight possibility that three beers and a gin and tonic the night before may have played a role in that as well, but I doubt it.)

Well, one way or another, I've got to keep my head up. I've got my very own seasonal cycle of living and working intensely followed by a crash that takes a couple of months to climb out of before I do it all again. The crash sucks, but it must be working for me, otherwise I wouldn't keep doing it. I'll never forget the monotony and misery and sameness of PS-Hell.

P.S. There is the smallest chance that my work situation will improve. More to come on that later. Like, when I know precisely how it will improve. It may mean not working 60-70 hours a week on three to four different gigs.

P.P.S. No matter how entertaining you may have found Bloodsport (featuring Jean Claude Van Damme) back in the day, I'm here to tell you: you can never go back. Watching Forrest Whittaker, I felt (in equal measure) deep pity and an overwhelming urge to set things on fire.

I'm telling you...don't do it. Not even a little.

To be honest

I'm feeling kind of low. I'm sure it's just exacerbated by fatigue and the fact that I haven't taken a proper vacation that was sufficient to recharge my batteries, but there it is. The small things that are getting me down in and of themselves aren't enough to bring me down, but the collective is doing it. I'm not going to enumerate them, because there's nothing new to say. It's a version or another of the ongoing things that pop up and bite me in the butt.

I just can't seem to muster up the energy to do things that are good for me lately, like exercise, grocery shop, cook healthy food, work out, go to church and read my bible, see my friends, write in my journal...Being fat is a drain, man. I can't believe I'm (once again) back where I started.

It seems that I can function just enough to keep my head above water and a roof over that. Well, what else can I do except work and hope that it pulls me out of the mire again. It's worked before.

(Yeah, nothing witty or entertaining today. Maybe tomorrow.)

The deep breath before the plunge...

It's time. Things are going to start getting busy again. No more evenings on the

SOFA OF DOOM!

But Lordy, it was fun while it lasted. Time to get back to work, and back to working out (because of course I've gained almost all of the weight I lost this year) and I actually feel positive about it. Well, more ready for it than I did last week, for example.

For your own sakes...

...don't bother seeing Rush Hour 3 in the theatres. It's a rental. It's also weak and racist and homophobic and formulaic, but well it seems like this year, any movie that ends in 3 is going to be rubbish.

I wish

I was home again.

(and thirty pounds lighter, but that's secondary.)

Goin' Stateside...

I've been rather sloppy about writing, Facebook is the new crack. What is it about the artificial intimacy that appeals to me? Probably that it feels like a safe amount of distance or something.
Anyway. I'm off today and will be back in a week.

Loving you darlings!

P.S. I had a narrow escape yesterday...apparently, I'm not yet comfortable being around my ex-husband yet. Still hurts.

P.P.S. I had an amazing date on Friday night! And can I just say, Bamboozled is an emotionally brutal movie experience. Particularly when you watch it with a white dude. But he was so cool, not slimy or pretentious...smart, and talented and down-to-earth. So there you go. Guys don't suck after all.

And with that, I'm off...

EEEEEEE!!!!!!!

I wish it was Saturday...

Momentum...

is a powerful thing, a force that I have exploited to my benefit in the past, but I am now learning to underestimate at my peril. How easy it is to simply keep on doing something because you've done things a certain way for a long enough time. Your life just falls into place to facilitate practices, routines, courses of action.

For example.

During the atomic explosion of what was once my marriage a few years back, I felt as though I was pretty crap at everything that mattered to me: as a wife, a family member, a friend, a Christian. Dangerously depressing times. But there was a ray of light!

The only thing I was any good at (at the time) was work. So I did a lot of that. And I felt like a little less of a waste of space and skin, and that perhaps I wasn't a mistake that needed to be erased.

And now that I'm doing so much better, and am coming back into my own again, waking up to life and ready to connect and reconnect with people, I'm bogged down under work and can't seem to get out of it. I've set up my life in such a way that I can barely make ends meet with all of my jobs. It hasn't bothered me, because I really enjoy what I do, and it's worth it to me to work hard at what I enjoy, with people I like rather than be back in an office doing random clerical work.

But I find that I'm getting too old to work as many hours as I do for as long as I have done. (Actually, my schedule would beat down a teenager!) I need a solution, a super contract...to get off my butt and record my voice demo tape and look for agents.

This rant has come about because I had anticipated that next week would be only a 14-hour work week--which is a vacation for me!--but it has just now become a 30-hour work week, and I was really counting on having a week to just spend detoxing, sleeping, and working out at the gym...just recovering from what has truly been a very intense 7 months. Oh well, my 14-hour work week will just be delayed another week. That is, if I don't get more shifts dumped on me. Because if I get them, I can't afford not to take them.

But in the words of Jill Scott:

Some of them wanna break you down, steal your crown
Use and abuse you.
Some of them smile in your face, cause they heard it some place,
You got more then they're used to
Some of them want to steal your love, ooh
'Cause they're jealous of ...how you're living and giving.

I keep
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
I keep
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming keep on achieving, keep on believing
I keep
I keep smiling when I come through ...and I cry when I need too.

Some of them, oh they stab you in your back, 'cause it's love they lack.
Some of them won't even try ...to see the good inside.
But I ....

I keep
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
I keep
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming keep on achieving, keep on believing

I keep on , keep on living, keep on learning , keep on smiling ooh ooh yeah
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming, keep on believing, keep on achieving.
I keep smiling when I come through , and I cry when I need to