The Manifesto

(This is actually directly from my personal journal. Normally, I would never share this stuff, but well, I trust you.)

So, here's a moment to reflect on last year and on where I'm going. I realize that so much of my present desire to be clean and well and healthy comes from having been spiritually, and emotionally ssick throughout and directly following the disintegration of my marriage, and all of the fallout that resulted from it. It's time to move forward! I'm ready and eager to do so. And to be strictly fair, the process began last September when I moved into my own place and stepped out of the protective cocoon of living with friends or family.

For the first time in a long while, I feel hopeful, beautiful, positive. (It helps when my hair and makeup is done though, I can't lie.)

The way I look at food is starting to change, and so is my approach to weight loss. I don't want to be rigid, I just want to think in terms of favouring that which makes me feel healthy and good 95% of the time, and not stress about the other 5% when silly junk food breezes through. Because Wine Gums and chocolate and food with gluten and/or refined flour is just so darned tasty and a fun innovation/treat.

Man, at 32 years old, I'm in the best shape of my life! And as shallow as it may be, I do feel more confident. That's why good-looking people get all the play: they throw out confident, positive vibes, and that's what attracts. And on the other side, there is also the chance that one becomes more intimidating. As it is, I know that I'm intelligent, funny, independent and talented. Now, I'm finally beginnign to live up to my beauty potential as well!

It was a fun birthday, working out with my colleagues, going out to dinner and then singing karaoke in the Village. I kind of felt uncomfortable (not because of the lesbians hitting on me, although someone needs to tell certain girls that being "liberated" from traditional gender roles doesn't mean the first thing you should do is to act like a jerky guy on the make, because that's JERKY, but that's another rant for another day) because of how people react to my looks and to my body. Sure, some dudes are gross, but that's a given. It's the way I feel with girls (and even my friends), I feel guilty, like maybe I shouldn't be as fabulous as I can be. But dammit, I've worked hard and continue to work hard for my very best health and appearance. Why not enjoy it? I'm not obnoxious and I don't put people down to feel good about myself. Making myself small to make others feel big does not serve the world. I guess I can't feel responsible for how others
may perceive me and how that may make them feel about themselves.

Anyway, I had a strange dream last night. X was in it (probably my brain/subconscious telling me I have some unfinished business on some level with him) and it may be because of a passing thought I had earlier that morning that if X could see me now, he'd be kicking himself. Of course, my finances are total crap, so he's well shot of me and can go on with the security of knowing that I'm some horrible, immature, irresponsible person. Whateva. I can and will change, on my own terms and for my own sake, to be a righteous and responsible woman for God, and not ever, NEVER to prove anything to my ex-husband.

(I also dreamt of an old homeless man vomiting forever! Well, it was a long time. I just couldn't watch, I ran away, I didn't want to see his suffering. What does that say about me?)

Anyway, in my dream, X was fit and looked healthy. On the one hand, I thought he looked good, more handsome than I'd ever seen him, but on the other hand I was a bit disappointed because we were both doing better and I wanted to be the one who is better off without him. It probably hurt that he is surely better off without me too. Because one wants to be good for people, you know?

I don't want to be bitter and petty, and maybe I am about it, if only at first. But the more I think about it, the happier I am at the prospect of his doing well. Of course I want him to suffer for all of the pain he caused me, but then again, you know what? He already has. He might still be, on one level or another. Who am I to say how much is enough for justice to be served, for him to be sufficiently punished? I mean, when it comes to it, who am I to say he should be punished at all?

Bitterness and lack of forgiveness are killers. Woo, so much suffering and illness are stirred in me, by the simple fact of my not being able to let things go. It only takes a moment for my mind to run down the path of the memory of someone, anyone who has wronged me, and then for me to dwell and brood upon it, trying to find answers, replies, retaliation, a way to rectify things, to restore justice, to win arguments in my mind. And it's consuming. It begets more brooding and it very rarely helps me to process and to heal and to move on. Only very occasionally will it help, and when it does, it's only in those times that I imagine myself as I truly am in those situations and I seek to find ways in which to clarify, articulate and ultimately understand my thoughts and feelings better. Yeah, only in the context of self-discovery does it ever help.

Shoot, for $9.95 and the cost of a pencil, I've got some therapy right here. I should thank Alan for this. He did get the ball rolling. I think he'd like to know that he did me such good. (Shoot, I keep meaning to call him.)

More to come...