You see, I used to hate oatmeal. I thought it looked nasty, smelled nasty, tasted nasty, and had a nasty texture in my mouth. Granted, my early exposure to oatmeal was the overcooked hot cereal, served with white sugar and milk, which inevitably got cold and gluey and more vomit-inducing, making the transition with every passing second from wallpaper paste until it cooled, congealed and hardened into something you could use to hammer nails into your walls.
More than once, brave souls tried to open me up to all of the wonderful ways in which oatmeal could be served, but after a few mouthfuls, the gag reflex would kick in and years would pass before I tried again. Oh, I love me some oatmeal in baking: oatmeal cookies, oatmeal bread, date squares, or other cereal forms of oatmeal: oatmeal crunch cereal and granola, and...ohhh, I'm hungry again.
But I digress. As I learn about nutrition, healthy eating, weight loss, and weight training, I can no longer escape the benefits of the soluble fiber that is found in hot oatmeal. Darn it. I came to the point where I had no choice but to learn to like it, if I wanted to make progress with my health and whatnot. And thus began the painful first week of learning how to cook it to the consistency and texture that I could manage to choke the mess down. Then I learned to find how on earth I would flavour and disguise that lumpiness so that I could stand the taste. Let me tell you, the initial efforts didn't look much like oatmeal.
But I've begun to get the hang of it, get used to it, and even begin to like it! I eat it every day! I don't even mind eating it cold! I'll eat it with fruit and topped with yogurt, but lately, just a bit of cinnamon and stevia and boom! I'm good to go. It's actually kind of...I admit it, comforting to eat.
I'm noticing in my life, there are things and situations like oatmeal. Not very palatable or pleasurable at first, but necessary, even good for me, and shouldn't be avoided. But with time and acclimatization, I learn to like, even love and crave it. Just goes to show you, you can get used to anything.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Monday, September 26, 2005
Pathetic Maudlin Sadness
Also known as Plentiful Memory Slips, Persistant Mental Sleepiness, Pretty Massive Seat, and a host of other monikers (any suggestions?) has been camped outside my door for the past week and a half. I couldn't figure out what was with the pity party and general lack of motion as of late. But ah, then I had the happy recollection that Aunt Flo will be dropping by any day now, and she always chases all that away like the Pesky Misery Salesman it is. Granted, she's not the tidiest of houseguests, and her visits are like banging your head against a brick wall (feels good when it stops), but hey, after all these years, she's like family, and well, I've gotten used to her.
So hey, Gang! Don't despair, because once Aunt Flo leaves, well, I'll be back in the saddle again and my usual cheerful self. Big bisous for all of you!
So hey, Gang! Don't despair, because once Aunt Flo leaves, well, I'll be back in the saddle again and my usual cheerful self. Big bisous for all of you!
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Pummeling my brain...
Must...stay awake...can't...stay in bed all day eating chips and chocolate and gummy bears and peanut M&Ms and sour skittles, and...oh, dear. Not being able to really work out on a regular basis over the past two weeks (1st week, mad busy, 2nd week, sick as heck) is taking its toll. I feel slow and sluggish and lazy and am gaining weight and I don't want to work. Except that I love my work! I just don't feel like doing it. And to be perfectly honest, today I wish I had a boy toy to make me feel beautiful again. It sucks to have been rejected. I want my mom!
Right. No more whining. Must focus on class plans, respond to student journals, get my administrative stuff out of the way--YEEEARRGH! Okay, now no more whining.
You know what else I'm looking forward to? Payday. Should I actually go all the way down to the office to pick up my check? Hm. I won't decide now, but the chances are actually pretty slim that I'll do anything of the kind. I'd probably just go and buy some of the abovementioned junk food, and that won't be helpful. (But it shore would be tasty! Mmm...guacamole, pizza, doritos, chocolate, cheese, sugar...*drool!*) Although I could get useful stuff for the house like garbage bags and dishwashing detergent and pay some rent sooner rather than later. Nice how I can justify my junk food jones, isn't it? "But I neeeeed to pick up some stuff for the house, too!"
I haven't gotten any messages on my old phone line in two weeks. This is odd. Are you people phoning me at all? Is it that you don't have my cell phone number yet? I suppose it's time to sit down for an hour or so and call everyone I know again. *sigh* the last time I did that, it was a happy occasion--telling everyone my husband's and my new phone number. Well, I'm living with a new Steph this time, and it's a happy occasion, but I can't help but feel a sense of loss, in spite of how happy I am with the new direction my life is taking. Nothing ever does turn out the way we planned, does it? Sometimes it's a good thing, and other times it's bittersweet.
Anyway, now I've gotten maudlin and it's time to stop avoiding my work. Happy trails, Beautiful People! Show somebody some love today!
Right. No more whining. Must focus on class plans, respond to student journals, get my administrative stuff out of the way--YEEEARRGH! Okay, now no more whining.
You know what else I'm looking forward to? Payday. Should I actually go all the way down to the office to pick up my check? Hm. I won't decide now, but the chances are actually pretty slim that I'll do anything of the kind. I'd probably just go and buy some of the abovementioned junk food, and that won't be helpful. (But it shore would be tasty! Mmm...guacamole, pizza, doritos, chocolate, cheese, sugar...*drool!*) Although I could get useful stuff for the house like garbage bags and dishwashing detergent and pay some rent sooner rather than later. Nice how I can justify my junk food jones, isn't it? "But I neeeeed to pick up some stuff for the house, too!"
I haven't gotten any messages on my old phone line in two weeks. This is odd. Are you people phoning me at all? Is it that you don't have my cell phone number yet? I suppose it's time to sit down for an hour or so and call everyone I know again. *sigh* the last time I did that, it was a happy occasion--telling everyone my husband's and my new phone number. Well, I'm living with a new Steph this time, and it's a happy occasion, but I can't help but feel a sense of loss, in spite of how happy I am with the new direction my life is taking. Nothing ever does turn out the way we planned, does it? Sometimes it's a good thing, and other times it's bittersweet.
Anyway, now I've gotten maudlin and it's time to stop avoiding my work. Happy trails, Beautiful People! Show somebody some love today!
Monday, September 19, 2005
Stupid Busy
Sorry I haven't written lately, for the short version of the story, see the heading above. For a slightly longer version, read on...
So now I've been living with Stephanie for a week and it's swell! She's so easy to get along with and we enjoy many of the same things...she's very easy to be around. So I'm presently working at four different jobs right now, not counting singing gigs and a class at Concordia (reminds me of the Headleys on In Living Color: Meh got fahteen jeeyabs, mon. Him 'a have just two jeeyab? The lazy limabean! heh heh...)
And I'm still unpacking. Would you believe, I haven't yet dealt with my tax declaration yet? (If you know me well, I guess it wouldn't come as a huge shock.) I miss my mother terribly and would love to see her, but there is just no time to get away for more than a day. Phew. But you know what? I'm still grateful for my life! It's good to work and do what I enjoy most for a living. A few weeks ago I visited a former colleague at the office where I used to work, and I seriously left that place with mild palpitations and the beginnings of hives. So no, I don't miss the place, and I'm glad I stuck to my guns and toughed it out in my field. It's finally beginning to pay off. (Not pay particularly well yet, hence the multiple job situation, but it's a start.) I'm hoping to hear back from the Saidye Bronfman Centre to see if I'll pick up a teaching gig there on Sundays. That would be the BOMB.
Okay, I've avoided my homework for long enough. I don't often get access to a computer anymore, so I'd better make the most of it. Bisous to every last one of you, be healthy, be safe, and show somebody some love today!
Cheers!
So now I've been living with Stephanie for a week and it's swell! She's so easy to get along with and we enjoy many of the same things...she's very easy to be around. So I'm presently working at four different jobs right now, not counting singing gigs and a class at Concordia (reminds me of the Headleys on In Living Color: Meh got fahteen jeeyabs, mon. Him 'a have just two jeeyab? The lazy limabean! heh heh...)
And I'm still unpacking. Would you believe, I haven't yet dealt with my tax declaration yet? (If you know me well, I guess it wouldn't come as a huge shock.) I miss my mother terribly and would love to see her, but there is just no time to get away for more than a day. Phew. But you know what? I'm still grateful for my life! It's good to work and do what I enjoy most for a living. A few weeks ago I visited a former colleague at the office where I used to work, and I seriously left that place with mild palpitations and the beginnings of hives. So no, I don't miss the place, and I'm glad I stuck to my guns and toughed it out in my field. It's finally beginning to pay off. (Not pay particularly well yet, hence the multiple job situation, but it's a start.) I'm hoping to hear back from the Saidye Bronfman Centre to see if I'll pick up a teaching gig there on Sundays. That would be the BOMB.
Okay, I've avoided my homework for long enough. I don't often get access to a computer anymore, so I'd better make the most of it. Bisous to every last one of you, be healthy, be safe, and show somebody some love today!
Cheers!
Incidentally
The grief over the move was dispelled pretty quickly actually, as soon as I saw my gorgeous new apartment! Yee-HAW! And well, I got a rousing early morning Brown Special first thing in the morning on moving day, which also helped. You may be asking yourself, what is an early morning Brown Special? Ah. You'll have to sleep over at my folks house to find out...
Monday, September 12, 2005
A New Page
So the Festival Rhythmes du Monde is past, and I've finally (after putting it off for ages) finished my packing. I feel a nagging sense of grief, actually. Yes, I'm excited about the future, about moving in with Stephanie, but at the same time, I feel the apprehension of leaving behind my security net. Because whatever else these past ten months at my Dad's house has been, it's been a soft place to fall. Rent-free, yo. Holla!
But in all seriousness, through the rottenest time of my adult life, I've had my family rally around me, and champion my cause. They have comforted me, and given me so much space (which is a big deal for a family as close as mine) to just be alone, to sit and hurt, but most of all, to heal. Dad and Brigitte have been the bomb. Never a hint of any variation on the theme: it's time for you to get the heck out of here, you freeloader. They accepted me where I was at, not on the condition of me getting to where they knew I ought to be (and was eventually capable of being). Love does cover over all sins.
Now, I must truly be a grown up again, and begin to take care of myself, through good times and bad, and there will be no more hiding from the world. It's a good thing, I know, and I've been wanting it for awhile now, but nevertheless, it's still hard to let go. Maybe if my little bro woke me up in the morning blasting some crunk music for old times sake, that would tip me out of the nest with no regrets...
But in all seriousness, through the rottenest time of my adult life, I've had my family rally around me, and champion my cause. They have comforted me, and given me so much space (which is a big deal for a family as close as mine) to just be alone, to sit and hurt, but most of all, to heal. Dad and Brigitte have been the bomb. Never a hint of any variation on the theme: it's time for you to get the heck out of here, you freeloader. They accepted me where I was at, not on the condition of me getting to where they knew I ought to be (and was eventually capable of being). Love does cover over all sins.
Now, I must truly be a grown up again, and begin to take care of myself, through good times and bad, and there will be no more hiding from the world. It's a good thing, I know, and I've been wanting it for awhile now, but nevertheless, it's still hard to let go. Maybe if my little bro woke me up in the morning blasting some crunk music for old times sake, that would tip me out of the nest with no regrets...
Friday, September 09, 2005
The Message
I've had it for a week now (a paraphrase of the Bible in contemporary language) and I've got to say, I'm loving it! For the first time in awhile, I'm eager to be reading the Bible every day again! It's such an interesting and engaging read, I just can't put it down. Wicked.
Monday, September 05, 2005
A Retrospective...
In the midst of mad busyness, and the beginnings of feeling overwhelmed to the point that I want to play hooky from all the work I'm supposed to be doing, I wanted to just let a little steam out of the pressure cooker and stop a moment to take stock of all that's happened since I first began this little chronicle:
In April, I had been living in my parents' basement for 4 months. Domestic drama, and we'll say no more about that. I only ever got out of bed to go to Concordia and teach some acting classes. This was the one thing that motivated me to not slowly kill myself with grilled cheese sandwiches and bacon double cheeseburgers (but what a way to go!) I had stopped sleeping at nights, was crying at weird random moments throughout the day, every Sunday at church, and had what Alan my psychologist kindly dubbed "dark thoughts" (which I prefer infinitely more than "she prays to be hit by a shuttlebus, the crazy broad") etc. etc. blah blah blah, poor me. I put on all the weight I had lost the previous summer, and 15 pounds extra to boot. Which put me over 185 lbs. Okay, yes, I can say it now. I was ugly AND miserable. Oh, and also, not gainfully employed.
Today:
I'm teaching again at Concordia (not yet started my Master's degree, but it's in the works) also teaching at BTW, singing in a couple of bands (incidentally, my up and coming gigs are September 11th at the Rhythmes du Monde Festival with Shar(on) Brooks, and September 17th at 1221 Crescent-beside Brutopia, once again, with the Funk Defenders), got a two-week contract with Concordia Student Services (a foot in the door, baby!) and will begin my first professional theatre gig in January! I'm writing poetry again, and will be performing in the Black Theatre Workshop Love Poetry Jam on Sunday October 2nd at the Green Room, 5390 St. Laurent, corner of Viateur at 7pm. Let me tell you, things are not the same anymore. I'm not the same. Sure, my personal life tanked, but on the positive side, I've decided to stop waiting for someone to love me and to want me. I'm going to love me and want me.
I've been so afraid to take the leap and try to make a living in my field, but now, it's actually beginning to take off! I'm not making crazy amounts of money, but I'm actually getting by! I just may even keep on getting by. Who knows, one day, I may do well! I think that once I began to open up my life to the possibilities, then life opened up to me. And the possibilities and opportunities are endless! I'm going to move in with my girl Stephanie in a week! I can actually afford it now! I actually have a cell phone! And business cards! And a web site! I'm really beginning to be a grown up! Well, I'm going to keep working at it, anyway.
And, I've lost 35 pounds. I'm presently at 150 lbs, and in the best shape of my adult life. I don't recognize me sometimes. I'm sure I look vain, because I keep checking reflective surfaces to make sure it's really me. I didn't look like this last year when I was (then) the thinnest I had ever been in my adult life. I look even better than I did then! Because I have muscle! I eat better! My skin is clearer! I have washboard abs! Who knew? Working out and dieting have been great ways for me to vent my frustration, anger and grief. I'm not entirely sure of another way I'm presently able to process these things in a way that won't have me doing unhealthy things to myself.
So now, in order to stay off the path of self-destructive behaviour that I know so well and almost always drift back to sooner or later, I find myself needing to find new fitness goals, goals that aren't based on appearance. It's an elusive goal when I think about it, and the motivation is hollow. Look good? What for? Doesn't change anything fundamentally important about me, and anyway who cares? And why should I care about the people for whom that kind of thing matters? Sure, appearance helps me to have more work and feel a little more confident, but that won't keep me motivated. And besides, when it's all about looks, when is it ever enough? How do you know when to stop? Couldn't our thighs always be a little thinner, our butts a little hgher, etc. etc. I don't want to start parcelling out my body into little segments. I want to be whole.
No, I think the thing that will keep me on track is to have new goals, not number goals. Although they're so tempting and quantifiable, you know? Whay not aim for a BMI or a fat percentage of 18%? It's still healthy, and at least it's not just about the scale. Well, I suppose that's one thing, but I think I've about had it with numbers the last two days. I've had a harder time sticking to my diet (got bored) and I think that's a sign that something needs to change. I have strength and stability goals for my back and my knees, but I don't know how to measure that kind of progress. I just do want to be as vulnerable to slips and shocks and falls and twists as I am now. I don't want my back to ache when I get out of a chair anymore. I think those are long-term goals that I'll always be reaching for and seeking to maintain.
I know! I'll dream of being able to jump rope for 15 minutes at a time. I'm telling you, as fit as I thought I was, I can't even do it for an entire minute. So that will be my new strength goal. If I lost more fat and got stronger and firmer in the meantime, cool. But for now, I need to stop working out for the sake of appearance, and start thinking about health and longevity, of flexibility and resilience.
And I need to keep on making career plans and steps forward. I can't run forever. I need to start moving toward my future and not be afraid that I'll fail at it, or that I won't have anything to offer. I mean, I felt that way about myself for years every time I thought about contacting BTW and looking for work in the past. Now I see that I have been wasting time with my insecurity and fear. Well, I can't let that stop me anymore, who knows how many awesome years I've missed when I could have been in the company of those cool people? Huh. No more of that. And I need to stop being a chicken about the UQAM application and stop feeling retarded just because it's all in French. I AM bilingual. I just need to trust that.
And start thinking about a nap. Shoot, it's Labour Day. Tomorrow will be nuts. I think I'll rest now. Thanks, as always, for being there. I now know y'all don't reply because you don't want to have to start a blog, and that's okay. Just as long as you find a way to let me know you're out there...if you're a close friend, you have my email. Drop me a line....
In April, I had been living in my parents' basement for 4 months. Domestic drama, and we'll say no more about that. I only ever got out of bed to go to Concordia and teach some acting classes. This was the one thing that motivated me to not slowly kill myself with grilled cheese sandwiches and bacon double cheeseburgers (but what a way to go!) I had stopped sleeping at nights, was crying at weird random moments throughout the day, every Sunday at church, and had what Alan my psychologist kindly dubbed "dark thoughts" (which I prefer infinitely more than "she prays to be hit by a shuttlebus, the crazy broad") etc. etc. blah blah blah, poor me. I put on all the weight I had lost the previous summer, and 15 pounds extra to boot. Which put me over 185 lbs. Okay, yes, I can say it now. I was ugly AND miserable. Oh, and also, not gainfully employed.
Today:
I'm teaching again at Concordia (not yet started my Master's degree, but it's in the works) also teaching at BTW, singing in a couple of bands (incidentally, my up and coming gigs are September 11th at the Rhythmes du Monde Festival with Shar(on) Brooks, and September 17th at 1221 Crescent-beside Brutopia, once again, with the Funk Defenders), got a two-week contract with Concordia Student Services (a foot in the door, baby!) and will begin my first professional theatre gig in January! I'm writing poetry again, and will be performing in the Black Theatre Workshop Love Poetry Jam on Sunday October 2nd at the Green Room, 5390 St. Laurent, corner of Viateur at 7pm. Let me tell you, things are not the same anymore. I'm not the same. Sure, my personal life tanked, but on the positive side, I've decided to stop waiting for someone to love me and to want me. I'm going to love me and want me.
I've been so afraid to take the leap and try to make a living in my field, but now, it's actually beginning to take off! I'm not making crazy amounts of money, but I'm actually getting by! I just may even keep on getting by. Who knows, one day, I may do well! I think that once I began to open up my life to the possibilities, then life opened up to me. And the possibilities and opportunities are endless! I'm going to move in with my girl Stephanie in a week! I can actually afford it now! I actually have a cell phone! And business cards! And a web site! I'm really beginning to be a grown up! Well, I'm going to keep working at it, anyway.
And, I've lost 35 pounds. I'm presently at 150 lbs, and in the best shape of my adult life. I don't recognize me sometimes. I'm sure I look vain, because I keep checking reflective surfaces to make sure it's really me. I didn't look like this last year when I was (then) the thinnest I had ever been in my adult life. I look even better than I did then! Because I have muscle! I eat better! My skin is clearer! I have washboard abs! Who knew? Working out and dieting have been great ways for me to vent my frustration, anger and grief. I'm not entirely sure of another way I'm presently able to process these things in a way that won't have me doing unhealthy things to myself.
So now, in order to stay off the path of self-destructive behaviour that I know so well and almost always drift back to sooner or later, I find myself needing to find new fitness goals, goals that aren't based on appearance. It's an elusive goal when I think about it, and the motivation is hollow. Look good? What for? Doesn't change anything fundamentally important about me, and anyway who cares? And why should I care about the people for whom that kind of thing matters? Sure, appearance helps me to have more work and feel a little more confident, but that won't keep me motivated. And besides, when it's all about looks, when is it ever enough? How do you know when to stop? Couldn't our thighs always be a little thinner, our butts a little hgher, etc. etc. I don't want to start parcelling out my body into little segments. I want to be whole.
No, I think the thing that will keep me on track is to have new goals, not number goals. Although they're so tempting and quantifiable, you know? Whay not aim for a BMI or a fat percentage of 18%? It's still healthy, and at least it's not just about the scale. Well, I suppose that's one thing, but I think I've about had it with numbers the last two days. I've had a harder time sticking to my diet (got bored) and I think that's a sign that something needs to change. I have strength and stability goals for my back and my knees, but I don't know how to measure that kind of progress. I just do want to be as vulnerable to slips and shocks and falls and twists as I am now. I don't want my back to ache when I get out of a chair anymore. I think those are long-term goals that I'll always be reaching for and seeking to maintain.
I know! I'll dream of being able to jump rope for 15 minutes at a time. I'm telling you, as fit as I thought I was, I can't even do it for an entire minute. So that will be my new strength goal. If I lost more fat and got stronger and firmer in the meantime, cool. But for now, I need to stop working out for the sake of appearance, and start thinking about health and longevity, of flexibility and resilience.
And I need to keep on making career plans and steps forward. I can't run forever. I need to start moving toward my future and not be afraid that I'll fail at it, or that I won't have anything to offer. I mean, I felt that way about myself for years every time I thought about contacting BTW and looking for work in the past. Now I see that I have been wasting time with my insecurity and fear. Well, I can't let that stop me anymore, who knows how many awesome years I've missed when I could have been in the company of those cool people? Huh. No more of that. And I need to stop being a chicken about the UQAM application and stop feeling retarded just because it's all in French. I AM bilingual. I just need to trust that.
And start thinking about a nap. Shoot, it's Labour Day. Tomorrow will be nuts. I think I'll rest now. Thanks, as always, for being there. I now know y'all don't reply because you don't want to have to start a blog, and that's okay. Just as long as you find a way to let me know you're out there...if you're a close friend, you have my email. Drop me a line....
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