Retail therapy is awesome! But particularly when you're in good company. The last three days of my vacation were spent with Mom and her friends Anne and Kayleigh in Syracuse. Pure jokes. We shopped for hours every day, ate food, relaxed in the hotel hot tub and swimming pool, and laughed non-stop. Yes sir! Good clean fun. And I saw my mom tipsy for the first time. One Smirnoff, and that was all she wrote, baby. She was adorable, giggling and being utterly hilarious. I am truly a grownup now if I get to see that. Heh heh.
I'd write more, but I'm back in the thick of work. I got back on Sunday, and went straight to the office. I haven't been home since. I hope to sleep in my bed on Thursday, but I'm not holding my breath. Thank goodness for a week off. Except now, Quincy, my right-hand man and best bud is completely knackered. It was a big load for him to carry for an entire week. At least I'm refreshed and in better shape to pick up the slack.
Last night, we presented a two-minute clip of the show at the Fringe For All Press junket. It went well, I think we were well received. We went up early enough that people were still alert and feisty and interested. Big cheers, big oohs, big laughs. The actors were really encouraged, I think. I was so nervous, my heart was beating a mil a minute, and I was just so proud of them. I ended up staying till the end of the Fringe for All, which basically amounted to seeing previews of 40-odd shows. It went on a long, long, looong time. And the evening got more and more irritating the longer it went. Anyway.
There's more I'd like to tell you, but I've got to get back to work...
Kisses, y'all.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
The flavour of the month...
Is Caramel-Coloured Amazon Woman!
Hurray! For once, The hottest women in America look just like me! Why am I not capitalizing on this? Big love to Tyra, too! (Wit 'yo crazy self...) With cable television comes the reality TV shows that show me nothing but curvaceous, statuesque cocoa goddesses swingin' it! Man, it is so huge when you think about it. And yes they are big girls, but I can see how beautiful they are, the way they are, and I'm not the only one (it's easier to see because it's not myself I'm looking at in the mirror). If you're not a pretty blond blue-eyed baby doll, you can appreciate what it means to see images of beauty that resemble you out there.
It is a little bit of work to stay skinny as I had been at the 40-pound weight loss point. (Back to 30, sometimes 25) And my 16% body fat was impressive to boast about, but the hormonal imbalance was not so cool. So now I'm trying to recalibrate my body, which is never easy (especially at Mom's house because there are just so many goodies lying around!) but will be worth it. Balance. Oy, always a struggle for balance. My life is always full of extremes. I want something else for my life. This year. I don't know how this will change, I just know that it will.
I finally picked up Brendan Brazier's Thrive Diet book and I'm looking forward to getting back on track with the grocery shopping and whatnot, to just try to feed myself properly. I'll have to figure out how to get most of the cooking done early on in the week, and actually start sleeping at home again so I can prepare food before leaving my house rather than grabbing stuff on the go.
Anyway, I have a golden opportunity to get some sleep. Why aren't I taking it?
Just wanted to say...
Thanks for the positive vibes, Baybees! I got my luggage back the very next day. Everyone involved was very courteous, helpful and specific. Gotta love it when positivity, gratitude, and love vibes come though.
But I must say, change is a process. I still get cranky and cynical and whatnot. But as long as I keep moving forward, it's all good.
How about you? How are you these days?Granted, it's highly unlikely that I'll be able to spend any time with you at all if it's not work related, at least for another month, but still. If it's an emergency, I'll gladly lose some sleep to come and be with you. Let me know, okay? You have my number.
But I must say, change is a process. I still get cranky and cynical and whatnot. But as long as I keep moving forward, it's all good.
How about you? How are you these days?Granted, it's highly unlikely that I'll be able to spend any time with you at all if it's not work related, at least for another month, but still. If it's an emergency, I'll gladly lose some sleep to come and be with you. Let me know, okay? You have my number.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Vacation!
Yes Babies,
I was surely only four days away from a meltdown of Mariah Carey-sized proportions.
But then I hopped on a bus to Perth to meet Mom and some of her friends at their gorgeous cottage 3o feet up on a cliff overlooking a beautiful lake. Ah. And now I'm in the spare room at Mom's chillin' and about ready to curl up in bed with a Maeve Binchy book and just drift off into sleep again. Once again, Mom is always a cure for whatever ails me.
Work's been good and very productive (the show is going to be spectacular, I've tried my hand at choreography for the first time and it's really working out well) but nevertheless stressful at the same time. This past week I'm sure I lost a year off my life. However, all is well, nothing was broken that couldn't be fixed, and so here I am, enjoying a lovely getaway with Mom. We're going to eat beautiful healthy foods, go the gym, I'll do her nails and brush her hair, and we'll just ol' talk every day. Also, I'm going to get some colour on this body of mine. Hoo boy!
Man, my mom has become such a friend. I can tell her things I never thought I would, you know? I really feel that as much as I'm her daughter and that she'll always want to take care of me, spoil me (yeeeaaagghhh! h'ray!) and protect me, that she also trusts and respects me as a woman. I'm a lucky girl. I have so much love in my life (amazing family, terrific friends and wonderful colleagues), I have health and strength and beauty. I am a wealthy woman. I am so grateful, right now. I can't stop smiling. And the things in my life that are not yet as I would wish them, are really not so bad at all. When I think about it, I have everything I need, right now, and nothing but good things coming my way, if only I'll have the eyes to see them and recognize them. Even bad things can turn out for good.
I mean, when I consider my divorce, and how much that had hurt me and all that I had lost, I can't help but also think about what I have gained, and what I've been saved from. I believe with all of my heart that the very best incarnation of me is being made manifest in my life. Right now.
So, before I drift off to sleep, I'm going to tell you right now that I love you. I love you for staying with me over these past two years.
Also, if you wouldn't mind sending some positive helpful hopeful vibes that I regain my lost luggage, that would be great too. I know I'll get it back, and very soon, but hey, there is strength in numbers, right?
nighty night...*m'wah!*
I was surely only four days away from a meltdown of Mariah Carey-sized proportions.
But then I hopped on a bus to Perth to meet Mom and some of her friends at their gorgeous cottage 3o feet up on a cliff overlooking a beautiful lake. Ah. And now I'm in the spare room at Mom's chillin' and about ready to curl up in bed with a Maeve Binchy book and just drift off into sleep again. Once again, Mom is always a cure for whatever ails me.
Work's been good and very productive (the show is going to be spectacular, I've tried my hand at choreography for the first time and it's really working out well) but nevertheless stressful at the same time. This past week I'm sure I lost a year off my life. However, all is well, nothing was broken that couldn't be fixed, and so here I am, enjoying a lovely getaway with Mom. We're going to eat beautiful healthy foods, go the gym, I'll do her nails and brush her hair, and we'll just ol' talk every day. Also, I'm going to get some colour on this body of mine. Hoo boy!
Man, my mom has become such a friend. I can tell her things I never thought I would, you know? I really feel that as much as I'm her daughter and that she'll always want to take care of me, spoil me (yeeeaaagghhh! h'ray!) and protect me, that she also trusts and respects me as a woman. I'm a lucky girl. I have so much love in my life (amazing family, terrific friends and wonderful colleagues), I have health and strength and beauty. I am a wealthy woman. I am so grateful, right now. I can't stop smiling. And the things in my life that are not yet as I would wish them, are really not so bad at all. When I think about it, I have everything I need, right now, and nothing but good things coming my way, if only I'll have the eyes to see them and recognize them. Even bad things can turn out for good.
I mean, when I consider my divorce, and how much that had hurt me and all that I had lost, I can't help but also think about what I have gained, and what I've been saved from. I believe with all of my heart that the very best incarnation of me is being made manifest in my life. Right now.
So, before I drift off to sleep, I'm going to tell you right now that I love you. I love you for staying with me over these past two years.
Also, if you wouldn't mind sending some positive helpful hopeful vibes that I regain my lost luggage, that would be great too. I know I'll get it back, and very soon, but hey, there is strength in numbers, right?
nighty night...*m'wah!*
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
The Procrastin8r
in association with
presents...
THE PROCRASTIN8R
Tomorrow may never come...
Montreal, May 14, 2007
Black Theatre Workshop’s YouthWorks Training Program goes to the edge.
YouthWorks joins forces with members of the Montreal theatre community in the 2007 edition of the Montreal Fringe Festival with The Procrastin8r, by Lateef Martin.
Martin, YouthWorks alum, takes us into a world known to only a few, the world of the “Afropunk”. Seen as a subculture, this ignored segment of the Black community struggles to survive and express itself in a world that would rather see them disappear.
Meet Theo Wailey, an afropunk living in the midst of privileged society. Accused of being “whitewashed”, Theo straddles two worlds - accepted in neither, living a half existence in both - until one day he discovers that he has developed a strange gift. Meanwhile, an unseen element concealed in white begins to secretly "exterminate" the homeless and squeegee-punks, and the girl who has captured Theo’s heart could be next! Will Theo discover the power of his gift in time to save her? Will he use his powers to strike back at those who reject him? Or will he simply use them to buy a new bass guitar and make lots of money? Tune in in June to find out!
The Fringe Festival provides the perfect forum to initiate the next step of the professional development phase for our successful YouthWorks participants. Creating a professional environment and working with other emerging and established artists, YouthWorks participants can move closer to the dream of becoming professional theatre practitioners.
The Procrastin8r is directed by Mike Payette, Artistic Director of Tableau D’Hôte Theatre (I Am Yours and Amigo’s Blue Guitar) as well as Maybe That’s Where She Belongs (Saidye Bronfman). Assistant Director: Tamara Brown who starred in BTW’s hits Blacks Don’t Bowl, Mella Mella and Afrika Solo. The cast also includes YouthWorks alumni Dominique Bourassa-Brownes and Bruno Ly, along with Krystina Bisante, Christopher Hicks, Joanne Sarazen and Carolyn-Fe Trinidad.
For more information about The Procrastin8r, please contact:
Quincy Armorer
Administrative Coordinator
(514) 932-1104 ext. 224
fax: (514) 932-6311
youthworks@blacktheatreworkshop.ca
Venue #3
The Geordie Space
4001 rue Berri
Fri. 8 7:30pm
Sat. 9 2:45pm
Mon. 11 10:15pm
Wed. 13 9:30pm
Fri. 15 4:45pm
Sat. 16 9:30pm
Sun. 17 1:45pm
Reg. price: $9.00
Students/seniors: $7.00
THE PROCRASTIN8R
Tomorrow may never come...
Montreal, May 14, 2007
Black Theatre Workshop’s YouthWorks Training Program goes to the edge.
YouthWorks joins forces with members of the Montreal theatre community in the 2007 edition of the Montreal Fringe Festival with The Procrastin8r, by Lateef Martin.
Martin, YouthWorks alum, takes us into a world known to only a few, the world of the “Afropunk”. Seen as a subculture, this ignored segment of the Black community struggles to survive and express itself in a world that would rather see them disappear.
Meet Theo Wailey, an afropunk living in the midst of privileged society. Accused of being “whitewashed”, Theo straddles two worlds - accepted in neither, living a half existence in both - until one day he discovers that he has developed a strange gift. Meanwhile, an unseen element concealed in white begins to secretly "exterminate" the homeless and squeegee-punks, and the girl who has captured Theo’s heart could be next! Will Theo discover the power of his gift in time to save her? Will he use his powers to strike back at those who reject him? Or will he simply use them to buy a new bass guitar and make lots of money? Tune in in June to find out!
The Fringe Festival provides the perfect forum to initiate the next step of the professional development phase for our successful YouthWorks participants. Creating a professional environment and working with other emerging and established artists, YouthWorks participants can move closer to the dream of becoming professional theatre practitioners.
The Procrastin8r is directed by Mike Payette, Artistic Director of Tableau D’Hôte Theatre (I Am Yours and Amigo’s Blue Guitar) as well as Maybe That’s Where She Belongs (Saidye Bronfman). Assistant Director: Tamara Brown who starred in BTW’s hits Blacks Don’t Bowl, Mella Mella and Afrika Solo. The cast also includes YouthWorks alumni Dominique Bourassa-Brownes and Bruno Ly, along with Krystina Bisante, Christopher Hicks, Joanne Sarazen and Carolyn-Fe Trinidad.
For more information about The Procrastin8r, please contact:
Quincy Armorer
Administrative Coordinator
(514) 932-1104 ext. 224
fax: (514) 932-6311
youthworks@blacktheatreworkshop.ca
Venue #3
The Geordie Space
4001 rue Berri
Fri. 8 7:30pm
Sat. 9 2:45pm
Mon. 11 10:15pm
Wed. 13 9:30pm
Fri. 15 4:45pm
Sat. 16 9:30pm
Sun. 17 1:45pm
Reg. price: $9.00
Students/seniors: $7.00
This is why I have no social life to speak of and sleep on the couch at the office. But in spite of it all, I know it's worth it. Please come out and support! The more people come out ot the show, the more we can give our cast and crew (and they deserve it).
And no, I'm not making a penny on this and neither is Quincy. We're waiting for our reward in heaven.
Once again...
I'm back to sleeping on the BTW couch.
Ridiculous.
And on another random note, I just love carbs. But that's just because I'm so tired that I crave simple sugars. Which means lots of croissants. *ahhh...*I love bread. And cereal. Particularly Kashi GoLEan crunch. Too bad it don't love me back.
Ugh. Bloat. But the carb coma! Pain and pleasure all at once. Argh...If I wasn't so broke and I was ever home and awake for more than two hours in a day I'd make all my tasty raw food vegan recipes that I was making back in March and April. Convenience food becomes shakes and green juices. But I'd rather eat bread right now. Because sometimes, liquid nutrition, convenient as it is, just isn't very comforting or satisfying.
Blah blah, whine whine whine, complain complain complain. I'd still rather be doing what I'm doing that work some office job. As exhausted as I am, I'm growing so much as an artist and am learning new skill sets all the time. This job gives me amazing learning opportunities. If only I didn't live below the poverty line.
Ridiculous.
And on another random note, I just love carbs. But that's just because I'm so tired that I crave simple sugars. Which means lots of croissants. *ahhh...*I love bread. And cereal. Particularly Kashi GoLEan crunch. Too bad it don't love me back.
Ugh. Bloat. But the carb coma! Pain and pleasure all at once. Argh...If I wasn't so broke and I was ever home and awake for more than two hours in a day I'd make all my tasty raw food vegan recipes that I was making back in March and April. Convenience food becomes shakes and green juices. But I'd rather eat bread right now. Because sometimes, liquid nutrition, convenient as it is, just isn't very comforting or satisfying.
Blah blah, whine whine whine, complain complain complain. I'd still rather be doing what I'm doing that work some office job. As exhausted as I am, I'm growing so much as an artist and am learning new skill sets all the time. This job gives me amazing learning opportunities. If only I didn't live below the poverty line.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Swamped, and yet...
I still got to talk about some real stuff with y'all. I hope you don't find this self-indulgent, that's not the spirit of it. You can just skip this one and wait for the next installment. This is here in case you notice a shift/evolution in what goes up on this blog, and so that if such a shift occurs, you know where it comes from. I think that I've evolved a lot over the past year or so, but I haven't always been conscious or aware of the changes.
(As for the daily grind: I'm working my little heart out and learning so much! Yes, I work retarded hours, but it's only for a little while. Soon I will be with Momma, who always cures whatever ails me, just by being there.)
AnyHoo, the ManifesTwo. This is the last entry in my old journal, that filled up the day before my birthday:
As I wrap up this journal, this chapter of my life, I think of where I've been and what I've learned up until now. Some things that have changed:
Environmental consciousness. The state of the Earth, to diminish in stages the harm that i do to this planet and its inhabitants by the lifestyle I lead and how I invest my consumer dollars has been evolving. I don't want to support companies and products that endorse or tolerate cruelty to and the exploitation of women, children, animals, and the local family or small farmer. Industry that poisons the planet will get less and less of my hard-earned money, that's for sure.
Health. Absolutely, I'm concerned about my personal aesthetic and weight loss. But optimal helath, living according to the design of the Creator is beginning to take up more space in my consciousness. I want to look and feel good, look and feel young. I want to prevent disease, particularly cancer, since I don't plan to/envision having children in the future. I want to avoid the diabetes and heart conditions that are in my family. I want to stay beautiful, inside and out. To be healthy, natural, and sane.
I want to be physically, the strongest woman I know. (The other types of strength require a lot of suffering to develop, which is daunting, and I confess to being not as enthusiastic about that, but bring it on! I will continue to survive and to overcome.)
Spirit. I want to take care of my spirit, to live life thoughtfully and mindfully. To live out my faith not driven by performance, or human obligation. I want to be a forgiving and humble woman, to learn how to surrender and to life with a childlike trust in God. I want to be a confident, self-aware woman who knows her place in the world without needing to push down others or aside, to inhabit my space without taking away from someone else's space. I want to give back to the world, to be a good and faithful servant to God, to humanity, a woman who puts the gifts that I've received to work for the glory of the God I love and for the good of the world.
I want my life to set a good example, to empower others and to inspire positivity.
I want to become more accepting of the good things that life has to offer with a spirit of thankfulness, of gratitude, of welcome, and of openess, rather than with guilt or a distorted sense of entitlement.
Discipline. I want to live honestly, with integrity, responsibility and maturity. To be disciplined and moderate with myself so that I can in turn be generous with others.I want to be responsible with the money I am given/earn, to be worthy of the trust of the One who gave it to me.
Relationships. I want to grow to forgive the people who have hurt me when my marriage fell apart. I want to learn to forgive myself. To accept the forgiveness of God and of others.
I want to be ready for a loving and healthy romantic relationship and to accept it with open arms when it arrives.
I want to be courageous, to see the positive in people rather than the negative, to see what is praiseworthy rather than to be critical. I want to be shrewd and careful, to be wise in my dealings with people. To know how and when to protect myself and others when it is my place and in my power to do so.
I want to show more love and attention and devotion to my family.
Did I mention patience? I want to be a patient woman with people in my life.
Career/Calling. I want to do the kind of work that allows me to live a balanced life. If the work I do doesn not help others, or inspire or bring some good to others, I'm just not interested. However, I don't want my work to be my life. It has only recently occurred to me that it's not because there is something fundamentally wrong with me that there are no romantic prospects on the horizon. It's because I'm a bloody workaholic, and I don't have a social life right now. Once I get out there, I will meet good people. I can't be afraid of getting out there, and I've been hiding behind my work to that end for awhile now. And I'm not going to anymore. A comfortable a refuge as work is and has been, I think I'm more ready to date now than I've been in a long, long time. This one ties in with relationships, but still.
And one for all areas of my life: No more settling! Expect and work for and accept the very best.
I just want to constantly set and surpass my personal, living, emotional, nutritional and training goals. Over it all to be a loving and spiritual woman. I just keep thinking of that book the Secret. I've got to read it. Believe to acheive. Positivity begets positivity. How awesome this year will be as I begin to incorporate those principles into my life. The development of a loving, blanced and sane person is such an involved undertaking and the aspects of it are so far-reaching. Whoa. But how exciting too.
Go give somebody some love. (be sure to include yourself as well!)
Laters!
P.S. And I don't care what anyone says: I DIG Justin Timberlake. Yes, he's the modern-day Elvis, which philosophically repulses me, but shoot. It's kind of like croissants. They taste so good, even though there isn't much nutritional value to be had in them.
(As for the daily grind: I'm working my little heart out and learning so much! Yes, I work retarded hours, but it's only for a little while. Soon I will be with Momma, who always cures whatever ails me, just by being there.)
AnyHoo, the ManifesTwo. This is the last entry in my old journal, that filled up the day before my birthday:
As I wrap up this journal, this chapter of my life, I think of where I've been and what I've learned up until now. Some things that have changed:
Environmental consciousness. The state of the Earth, to diminish in stages the harm that i do to this planet and its inhabitants by the lifestyle I lead and how I invest my consumer dollars has been evolving. I don't want to support companies and products that endorse or tolerate cruelty to and the exploitation of women, children, animals, and the local family or small farmer. Industry that poisons the planet will get less and less of my hard-earned money, that's for sure.
Health. Absolutely, I'm concerned about my personal aesthetic and weight loss. But optimal helath, living according to the design of the Creator is beginning to take up more space in my consciousness. I want to look and feel good, look and feel young. I want to prevent disease, particularly cancer, since I don't plan to/envision having children in the future. I want to avoid the diabetes and heart conditions that are in my family. I want to stay beautiful, inside and out. To be healthy, natural, and sane.
I want to be physically, the strongest woman I know. (The other types of strength require a lot of suffering to develop, which is daunting, and I confess to being not as enthusiastic about that, but bring it on! I will continue to survive and to overcome.)
Spirit. I want to take care of my spirit, to live life thoughtfully and mindfully. To live out my faith not driven by performance, or human obligation. I want to be a forgiving and humble woman, to learn how to surrender and to life with a childlike trust in God. I want to be a confident, self-aware woman who knows her place in the world without needing to push down others or aside, to inhabit my space without taking away from someone else's space. I want to give back to the world, to be a good and faithful servant to God, to humanity, a woman who puts the gifts that I've received to work for the glory of the God I love and for the good of the world.
I want my life to set a good example, to empower others and to inspire positivity.
I want to become more accepting of the good things that life has to offer with a spirit of thankfulness, of gratitude, of welcome, and of openess, rather than with guilt or a distorted sense of entitlement.
Discipline. I want to live honestly, with integrity, responsibility and maturity. To be disciplined and moderate with myself so that I can in turn be generous with others.I want to be responsible with the money I am given/earn, to be worthy of the trust of the One who gave it to me.
Relationships. I want to grow to forgive the people who have hurt me when my marriage fell apart. I want to learn to forgive myself. To accept the forgiveness of God and of others.
I want to be ready for a loving and healthy romantic relationship and to accept it with open arms when it arrives.
I want to be courageous, to see the positive in people rather than the negative, to see what is praiseworthy rather than to be critical. I want to be shrewd and careful, to be wise in my dealings with people. To know how and when to protect myself and others when it is my place and in my power to do so.
I want to show more love and attention and devotion to my family.
Did I mention patience? I want to be a patient woman with people in my life.
Career/Calling. I want to do the kind of work that allows me to live a balanced life. If the work I do doesn not help others, or inspire or bring some good to others, I'm just not interested. However, I don't want my work to be my life. It has only recently occurred to me that it's not because there is something fundamentally wrong with me that there are no romantic prospects on the horizon. It's because I'm a bloody workaholic, and I don't have a social life right now. Once I get out there, I will meet good people. I can't be afraid of getting out there, and I've been hiding behind my work to that end for awhile now. And I'm not going to anymore. A comfortable a refuge as work is and has been, I think I'm more ready to date now than I've been in a long, long time. This one ties in with relationships, but still.
And one for all areas of my life: No more settling! Expect and work for and accept the very best.
I just want to constantly set and surpass my personal, living, emotional, nutritional and training goals. Over it all to be a loving and spiritual woman. I just keep thinking of that book the Secret. I've got to read it. Believe to acheive. Positivity begets positivity. How awesome this year will be as I begin to incorporate those principles into my life. The development of a loving, blanced and sane person is such an involved undertaking and the aspects of it are so far-reaching. Whoa. But how exciting too.
Go give somebody some love. (be sure to include yourself as well!)
Laters!
P.S. And I don't care what anyone says: I DIG Justin Timberlake. Yes, he's the modern-day Elvis, which philosophically repulses me, but shoot. It's kind of like croissants. They taste so good, even though there isn't much nutritional value to be had in them.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
The Manifesto
(This is actually directly from my personal journal. Normally, I would never share this stuff, but well, I trust you.)
So, here's a moment to reflect on last year and on where I'm going. I realize that so much of my present desire to be clean and well and healthy comes from having been spiritually, and emotionally ssick throughout and directly following the disintegration of my marriage, and all of the fallout that resulted from it. It's time to move forward! I'm ready and eager to do so. And to be strictly fair, the process began last September when I moved into my own place and stepped out of the protective cocoon of living with friends or family.
For the first time in a long while, I feel hopeful, beautiful, positive. (It helps when my hair and makeup is done though, I can't lie.)
The way I look at food is starting to change, and so is my approach to weight loss. I don't want to be rigid, I just want to think in terms of favouring that which makes me feel healthy and good 95% of the time, and not stress about the other 5% when silly junk food breezes through. Because Wine Gums and chocolate and food with gluten and/or refined flour is just so darned tasty and a fun innovation/treat.
Man, at 32 years old, I'm in the best shape of my life! And as shallow as it may be, I do feel more confident. That's why good-looking people get all the play: they throw out confident, positive vibes, and that's what attracts. And on the other side, there is also the chance that one becomes more intimidating. As it is, I know that I'm intelligent, funny, independent and talented. Now, I'm finally beginnign to live up to my beauty potential as well!
It was a fun birthday, working out with my colleagues, going out to dinner and then singing karaoke in the Village. I kind of felt uncomfortable (not because of the lesbians hitting on me, although someone needs to tell certain girls that being "liberated" from traditional gender roles doesn't mean the first thing you should do is to act like a jerky guy on the make, because that's JERKY, but that's another rant for another day) because of how people react to my looks and to my body. Sure, some dudes are gross, but that's a given. It's the way I feel with girls (and even my friends), I feel guilty, like maybe I shouldn't be as fabulous as I can be. But dammit, I've worked hard and continue to work hard for my very best health and appearance. Why not enjoy it? I'm not obnoxious and I don't put people down to feel good about myself. Making myself small to make others feel big does not serve the world. I guess I can't feel responsible for how others
may perceive me and how that may make them feel about themselves.
Anyway, I had a strange dream last night. X was in it (probably my brain/subconscious telling me I have some unfinished business on some level with him) and it may be because of a passing thought I had earlier that morning that if X could see me now, he'd be kicking himself. Of course, my finances are total crap, so he's well shot of me and can go on with the security of knowing that I'm some horrible, immature, irresponsible person. Whateva. I can and will change, on my own terms and for my own sake, to be a righteous and responsible woman for God, and not ever, NEVER to prove anything to my ex-husband.
(I also dreamt of an old homeless man vomiting forever! Well, it was a long time. I just couldn't watch, I ran away, I didn't want to see his suffering. What does that say about me?)
Anyway, in my dream, X was fit and looked healthy. On the one hand, I thought he looked good, more handsome than I'd ever seen him, but on the other hand I was a bit disappointed because we were both doing better and I wanted to be the one who is better off without him. It probably hurt that he is surely better off without me too. Because one wants to be good for people, you know?
I don't want to be bitter and petty, and maybe I am about it, if only at first. But the more I think about it, the happier I am at the prospect of his doing well. Of course I want him to suffer for all of the pain he caused me, but then again, you know what? He already has. He might still be, on one level or another. Who am I to say how much is enough for justice to be served, for him to be sufficiently punished? I mean, when it comes to it, who am I to say he should be punished at all?
Bitterness and lack of forgiveness are killers. Woo, so much suffering and illness are stirred in me, by the simple fact of my not being able to let things go. It only takes a moment for my mind to run down the path of the memory of someone, anyone who has wronged me, and then for me to dwell and brood upon it, trying to find answers, replies, retaliation, a way to rectify things, to restore justice, to win arguments in my mind. And it's consuming. It begets more brooding and it very rarely helps me to process and to heal and to move on. Only very occasionally will it help, and when it does, it's only in those times that I imagine myself as I truly am in those situations and I seek to find ways in which to clarify, articulate and ultimately understand my thoughts and feelings better. Yeah, only in the context of self-discovery does it ever help.
Shoot, for $9.95 and the cost of a pencil, I've got some therapy right here. I should thank Alan for this. He did get the ball rolling. I think he'd like to know that he did me such good. (Shoot, I keep meaning to call him.)
More to come...
So, here's a moment to reflect on last year and on where I'm going. I realize that so much of my present desire to be clean and well and healthy comes from having been spiritually, and emotionally ssick throughout and directly following the disintegration of my marriage, and all of the fallout that resulted from it. It's time to move forward! I'm ready and eager to do so. And to be strictly fair, the process began last September when I moved into my own place and stepped out of the protective cocoon of living with friends or family.
For the first time in a long while, I feel hopeful, beautiful, positive. (It helps when my hair and makeup is done though, I can't lie.)
The way I look at food is starting to change, and so is my approach to weight loss. I don't want to be rigid, I just want to think in terms of favouring that which makes me feel healthy and good 95% of the time, and not stress about the other 5% when silly junk food breezes through. Because Wine Gums and chocolate and food with gluten and/or refined flour is just so darned tasty and a fun innovation/treat.
Man, at 32 years old, I'm in the best shape of my life! And as shallow as it may be, I do feel more confident. That's why good-looking people get all the play: they throw out confident, positive vibes, and that's what attracts. And on the other side, there is also the chance that one becomes more intimidating. As it is, I know that I'm intelligent, funny, independent and talented. Now, I'm finally beginnign to live up to my beauty potential as well!
It was a fun birthday, working out with my colleagues, going out to dinner and then singing karaoke in the Village. I kind of felt uncomfortable (not because of the lesbians hitting on me, although someone needs to tell certain girls that being "liberated" from traditional gender roles doesn't mean the first thing you should do is to act like a jerky guy on the make, because that's JERKY, but that's another rant for another day) because of how people react to my looks and to my body. Sure, some dudes are gross, but that's a given. It's the way I feel with girls (and even my friends), I feel guilty, like maybe I shouldn't be as fabulous as I can be. But dammit, I've worked hard and continue to work hard for my very best health and appearance. Why not enjoy it? I'm not obnoxious and I don't put people down to feel good about myself. Making myself small to make others feel big does not serve the world. I guess I can't feel responsible for how others
may perceive me and how that may make them feel about themselves.
Anyway, I had a strange dream last night. X was in it (probably my brain/subconscious telling me I have some unfinished business on some level with him) and it may be because of a passing thought I had earlier that morning that if X could see me now, he'd be kicking himself. Of course, my finances are total crap, so he's well shot of me and can go on with the security of knowing that I'm some horrible, immature, irresponsible person. Whateva. I can and will change, on my own terms and for my own sake, to be a righteous and responsible woman for God, and not ever, NEVER to prove anything to my ex-husband.
(I also dreamt of an old homeless man vomiting forever! Well, it was a long time. I just couldn't watch, I ran away, I didn't want to see his suffering. What does that say about me?)
Anyway, in my dream, X was fit and looked healthy. On the one hand, I thought he looked good, more handsome than I'd ever seen him, but on the other hand I was a bit disappointed because we were both doing better and I wanted to be the one who is better off without him. It probably hurt that he is surely better off without me too. Because one wants to be good for people, you know?
I don't want to be bitter and petty, and maybe I am about it, if only at first. But the more I think about it, the happier I am at the prospect of his doing well. Of course I want him to suffer for all of the pain he caused me, but then again, you know what? He already has. He might still be, on one level or another. Who am I to say how much is enough for justice to be served, for him to be sufficiently punished? I mean, when it comes to it, who am I to say he should be punished at all?
Bitterness and lack of forgiveness are killers. Woo, so much suffering and illness are stirred in me, by the simple fact of my not being able to let things go. It only takes a moment for my mind to run down the path of the memory of someone, anyone who has wronged me, and then for me to dwell and brood upon it, trying to find answers, replies, retaliation, a way to rectify things, to restore justice, to win arguments in my mind. And it's consuming. It begets more brooding and it very rarely helps me to process and to heal and to move on. Only very occasionally will it help, and when it does, it's only in those times that I imagine myself as I truly am in those situations and I seek to find ways in which to clarify, articulate and ultimately understand my thoughts and feelings better. Yeah, only in the context of self-discovery does it ever help.
Shoot, for $9.95 and the cost of a pencil, I've got some therapy right here. I should thank Alan for this. He did get the ball rolling. I think he'd like to know that he did me such good. (Shoot, I keep meaning to call him.)
More to come...
Positivity
If you're one of the types who gets touchy about any mention of the Bible or Christianity, this post is just another chronicle about how I'm livin'. I'm writing because I got inspired and wanted to share it with you.
Lately, I've been trying to marshall my thoughts towards whatever is positive, loving and thankful. To look at what I have rather than what I don't. To expect good things in life rather than failure. And you know what? I didn't realize how many negative, complaining, defeatist, and angry thoughts run through my head in a day. It takes real discipline to shift your paradigm, to change the way you look at yourself and the world you're in. But I don't want it to be an onerous, unpleasant task. I want it to become a joyful experience. I had spent two days last month (on my birthday) writing out this extensive manifesto for the upcoming year, about all the things I want to acheive, the kind of woman I want to be, and what I want to give to the world. And that week was a wonderful and positive week for me. Coincidence? I think not.
A couple of weeks back, the girls at church did a Bible study about taking captive every thought. Granted the context of the discussion was about resisting temptation, but the principle has come to resonate strongly through many areas of my life. I love when the Bible does that. The passage I was meant to be memorizing was:
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
(Since we're being honest here, I didn't memorize it, but it was often on my mind.) And then this week, one of the members at the gym where I work gave me a copy of The Secret as a gift to thank me for designing a program for him and for just generally being an encouragement to him. It's funny how when you're ready for it, life has a way of bringing you..forward.
The Secret is an interesting thesis. I can certainly see how some of the principles mentioned in the book have manifested themselves in my life in the past, and can definitely attest to the positive or negative results that they have yielded. Although I'm deeply wary and skeptical about self-help/prosperity theory-type stuff, I will say that the Law of Attraction, quantum theory and biblical/faith aspects of the book are making me think.
Anyway, even though I really should be working, I'd like to take the time out to share some of the things that have been kicking around in my head these days, in hopes that it will encourage you, but also as a way of just putting it out there for God, the Universe, and my loving friends to hold me accountable. Or to be able to rejoice in every victory with me. (see the next post.)
Wow...it's just occurred to me, my 200th post is coming up, and we've been together for awhile now. Thanks for sticking around.
Lately, I've been trying to marshall my thoughts towards whatever is positive, loving and thankful. To look at what I have rather than what I don't. To expect good things in life rather than failure. And you know what? I didn't realize how many negative, complaining, defeatist, and angry thoughts run through my head in a day. It takes real discipline to shift your paradigm, to change the way you look at yourself and the world you're in. But I don't want it to be an onerous, unpleasant task. I want it to become a joyful experience. I had spent two days last month (on my birthday) writing out this extensive manifesto for the upcoming year, about all the things I want to acheive, the kind of woman I want to be, and what I want to give to the world. And that week was a wonderful and positive week for me. Coincidence? I think not.
A couple of weeks back, the girls at church did a Bible study about taking captive every thought. Granted the context of the discussion was about resisting temptation, but the principle has come to resonate strongly through many areas of my life. I love when the Bible does that. The passage I was meant to be memorizing was:
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
(Since we're being honest here, I didn't memorize it, but it was often on my mind.) And then this week, one of the members at the gym where I work gave me a copy of The Secret as a gift to thank me for designing a program for him and for just generally being an encouragement to him. It's funny how when you're ready for it, life has a way of bringing you..forward.
The Secret is an interesting thesis. I can certainly see how some of the principles mentioned in the book have manifested themselves in my life in the past, and can definitely attest to the positive or negative results that they have yielded. Although I'm deeply wary and skeptical about self-help/prosperity theory-type stuff, I will say that the Law of Attraction, quantum theory and biblical/faith aspects of the book are making me think.
Anyway, even though I really should be working, I'd like to take the time out to share some of the things that have been kicking around in my head these days, in hopes that it will encourage you, but also as a way of just putting it out there for God, the Universe, and my loving friends to hold me accountable. Or to be able to rejoice in every victory with me. (see the next post.)
Wow...it's just occurred to me, my 200th post is coming up, and we've been together for awhile now. Thanks for sticking around.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)