Momentum...

is a powerful thing, a force that I have exploited to my benefit in the past, but I am now learning to underestimate at my peril. How easy it is to simply keep on doing something because you've done things a certain way for a long enough time. Your life just falls into place to facilitate practices, routines, courses of action.

For example.

During the atomic explosion of what was once my marriage a few years back, I felt as though I was pretty crap at everything that mattered to me: as a wife, a family member, a friend, a Christian. Dangerously depressing times. But there was a ray of light!

The only thing I was any good at (at the time) was work. So I did a lot of that. And I felt like a little less of a waste of space and skin, and that perhaps I wasn't a mistake that needed to be erased.

And now that I'm doing so much better, and am coming back into my own again, waking up to life and ready to connect and reconnect with people, I'm bogged down under work and can't seem to get out of it. I've set up my life in such a way that I can barely make ends meet with all of my jobs. It hasn't bothered me, because I really enjoy what I do, and it's worth it to me to work hard at what I enjoy, with people I like rather than be back in an office doing random clerical work.

But I find that I'm getting too old to work as many hours as I do for as long as I have done. (Actually, my schedule would beat down a teenager!) I need a solution, a super contract...to get off my butt and record my voice demo tape and look for agents.

This rant has come about because I had anticipated that next week would be only a 14-hour work week--which is a vacation for me!--but it has just now become a 30-hour work week, and I was really counting on having a week to just spend detoxing, sleeping, and working out at the gym...just recovering from what has truly been a very intense 7 months. Oh well, my 14-hour work week will just be delayed another week. That is, if I don't get more shifts dumped on me. Because if I get them, I can't afford not to take them.

But in the words of Jill Scott:

Some of them wanna break you down, steal your crown
Use and abuse you.
Some of them smile in your face, cause they heard it some place,
You got more then they're used to
Some of them want to steal your love, ooh
'Cause they're jealous of ...how you're living and giving.

I keep
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
I keep
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming keep on achieving, keep on believing
I keep
I keep smiling when I come through ...and I cry when I need too.

Some of them, oh they stab you in your back, 'cause it's love they lack.
Some of them won't even try ...to see the good inside.
But I ....

I keep
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
I keep
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming keep on achieving, keep on believing

I keep on , keep on living, keep on learning , keep on smiling ooh ooh yeah
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming, keep on believing, keep on achieving.
I keep smiling when I come through , and I cry when I need to