A Retrospective...

In the midst of mad busyness, and the beginnings of feeling overwhelmed to the point that I want to play hooky from all the work I'm supposed to be doing, I wanted to just let a little steam out of the pressure cooker and stop a moment to take stock of all that's happened since I first began this little chronicle:

In April, I had been living in my parents' basement for 4 months. Domestic drama, and we'll say no more about that. I only ever got out of bed to go to Concordia and teach some acting classes. This was the one thing that motivated me to not slowly kill myself with grilled cheese sandwiches and bacon double cheeseburgers (but what a way to go!) I had stopped sleeping at nights, was crying at weird random moments throughout the day, every Sunday at church, and had what Alan my psychologist kindly dubbed "dark thoughts" (which I prefer infinitely more than "she prays to be hit by a shuttlebus, the crazy broad") etc. etc. blah blah blah, poor me. I put on all the weight I had lost the previous summer, and 15 pounds extra to boot. Which put me over 185 lbs. Okay, yes, I can say it now. I was ugly AND miserable. Oh, and also, not gainfully employed.

Today:
I'm teaching again at Concordia (not yet started my Master's degree, but it's in the works) also teaching at BTW, singing in a couple of bands (incidentally, my up and coming gigs are September 11th at the Rhythmes du Monde Festival with Shar(on) Brooks, and September 17th at 1221 Crescent-beside Brutopia, once again, with the Funk Defenders), got a two-week contract with Concordia Student Services (a foot in the door, baby!) and will begin my first professional theatre gig in January! I'm writing poetry again, and will be performing in the Black Theatre Workshop Love Poetry Jam on Sunday October 2nd at the Green Room, 5390 St. Laurent, corner of Viateur at 7pm. Let me tell you, things are not the same anymore. I'm not the same. Sure, my personal life tanked, but on the positive side, I've decided to stop waiting for someone to love me and to want me. I'm going to love me and want me.

I've been so afraid to take the leap and try to make a living in my field, but now, it's actually beginning to take off! I'm not making crazy amounts of money, but I'm actually getting by! I just may even keep on getting by. Who knows, one day, I may do well! I think that once I began to open up my life to the possibilities, then life opened up to me. And the possibilities and opportunities are endless! I'm going to move in with my girl Stephanie in a week! I can actually afford it now! I actually have a cell phone! And business cards! And a web site! I'm really beginning to be a grown up! Well, I'm going to keep working at it, anyway.

And, I've lost 35 pounds. I'm presently at 150 lbs, and in the best shape of my adult life. I don't recognize me sometimes. I'm sure I look vain, because I keep checking reflective surfaces to make sure it's really me. I didn't look like this last year when I was (then) the thinnest I had ever been in my adult life. I look even better than I did then! Because I have muscle! I eat better! My skin is clearer! I have washboard abs! Who knew? Working out and dieting have been great ways for me to vent my frustration, anger and grief. I'm not entirely sure of another way I'm presently able to process these things in a way that won't have me doing unhealthy things to myself.

So now, in order to stay off the path of self-destructive behaviour that I know so well and almost always drift back to sooner or later, I find myself needing to find new fitness goals, goals that aren't based on appearance. It's an elusive goal when I think about it, and the motivation is hollow. Look good? What for? Doesn't change anything fundamentally important about me, and anyway who cares? And why should I care about the people for whom that kind of thing matters? Sure, appearance helps me to have more work and feel a little more confident, but that won't keep me motivated. And besides, when it's all about looks, when is it ever enough? How do you know when to stop? Couldn't our thighs always be a little thinner, our butts a little hgher, etc. etc. I don't want to start parcelling out my body into little segments. I want to be whole.

No, I think the thing that will keep me on track is to have new goals, not number goals. Although they're so tempting and quantifiable, you know? Whay not aim for a BMI or a fat percentage of 18%? It's still healthy, and at least it's not just about the scale. Well, I suppose that's one thing, but I think I've about had it with numbers the last two days. I've had a harder time sticking to my diet (got bored) and I think that's a sign that something needs to change. I have strength and stability goals for my back and my knees, but I don't know how to measure that kind of progress. I just do want to be as vulnerable to slips and shocks and falls and twists as I am now. I don't want my back to ache when I get out of a chair anymore. I think those are long-term goals that I'll always be reaching for and seeking to maintain.

I know! I'll dream of being able to jump rope for 15 minutes at a time. I'm telling you, as fit as I thought I was, I can't even do it for an entire minute. So that will be my new strength goal. If I lost more fat and got stronger and firmer in the meantime, cool. But for now, I need to stop working out for the sake of appearance, and start thinking about health and longevity, of flexibility and resilience.

And I need to keep on making career plans and steps forward. I can't run forever. I need to start moving toward my future and not be afraid that I'll fail at it, or that I won't have anything to offer. I mean, I felt that way about myself for years every time I thought about contacting BTW and looking for work in the past. Now I see that I have been wasting time with my insecurity and fear. Well, I can't let that stop me anymore, who knows how many awesome years I've missed when I could have been in the company of those cool people? Huh. No more of that. And I need to stop being a chicken about the UQAM application and stop feeling retarded just because it's all in French. I AM bilingual. I just need to trust that.

And start thinking about a nap. Shoot, it's Labour Day. Tomorrow will be nuts. I think I'll rest now. Thanks, as always, for being there. I now know y'all don't reply because you don't want to have to start a blog, and that's okay. Just as long as you find a way to let me know you're out there...if you're a close friend, you have my email. Drop me a line....